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Late New Year Post/Journalversary:

The Anniversary of the Journal:
Saturday marked twelve years of journaling in this space. I am amazed that I have had some of you here for nearly the entire journey. Thank you for being my friends in this space and reaching out to me in other spaces and in life. This place gave me my children’s godparents and countless valuable relationships that I cannot even explain to non-LJers. So, Thank you.

The Mundane:
I am struggling a little bit this semester. The start of week three and I am drowning in work and the high expectations of my professors and myself. The stress this time around is much more intense than the last set of classes I took and I can see why some people elect to just take one course at a time. My deadlines are all over the map, I am constantly butting heads with one classmate who insists that as a white male he has never experienced White Privilege and believes workplaces are equal for men and women in a MOST infuriating way… I let all of this rile me up and it very nearly causes paralysis.

Last night before bed Nicole lay down next to me and talked me through it. Her sweetness and supportiveness and unwavering belief that I can accomplish this has been a lifesaver on choppy days. Yesterday was a day after a sleepless night between baby cries, monitor malfunctions and stress that had me up for the day at 2:30 AM.

After getting my fitbit, I wore it about a week for a baseline before I started to understand my habits. I then decided that it was time to take accountability back for my calorie intake and health. I’d stopped counting/caring long ago and really let myself run wild over the holidays. Stepped on the scale. Gained nine pounds since last check. Time to get real. I’ve been using my fitbit and MyFitness Pal for a week. So far the only results I am seeing are the sanctimonious feelings of eating better and running regularly. The scale didn’t move at all from last week to this week. Lesson one: Trust the process. Keep going.

And I think my Resolution post will get it’s own space…

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And my Resolution:
I wasn’t sure that I wanted to make a New Year’s Resolution this year at all. I wasn’t’ moved to. Over the last two or three days, I have been reflecting on 2013 and the overwhelming majority of it was *awful* at work. Truly awful. My promotion fell through, I bombed a high-profile project related to said promotion that caused my reputation to be tarnished (which is tough to recover from in Corporate America), got laid off, rehired at a demotion, applied for a promotion and was denied… twice. And that was all in one calendar year.

This, of course, had a wicked effect on my home life. Nicole and I had one of our worst fights yet sometime this summer and I/we broke a lot of our trust foundation rules in one afternoon that left us damaged. She spent a lot of money without telling me, which damaged my trust.

I started Grad school, which is an amazing step toward my future, but also SCARY and stressful.

Somewhere in October, things started to even out. There was more love to go around than we knew what to do with. Things started to click again, the stress of 2013 and all my failures was starting to sting less and acceptance of this new path in life was starting to make the future more palatable… and not just palatable, but BRIGHTER. I found I no longer cared so much about my corporate environment, my tarnished reputation, the leaders agendas, and the fact that I feel like I am now just a number that counts against the bottom line.

I am a human being that matters. And I am not just a human being that matters, I have humans that matter to me that are more important than anything else that could harm me. I am also pretty darn awesome, even when I am up to my eyeballs in alligators. And my wife is awesome. Our kids are also blessing us more daily that I can even imagine. We frequently find ourselves giggling in the kitchen over a serious conversation those little boys are having in the other room. My heart is full.

So, 2013 dulled my Sparkle. This year will be about OWNING the Sparkle. Getting it back. Dusting off the year of grime that I allowed to accumulate on my spirit and filled me with dust and things that did not (in the grand scheme of things) matter. I want to reclaim the shiny person that I know that I am and lead with my heart instead of playing politics, managing other’s expectations, and forgetting that the more wonder and light I bring, the more wonder and light I give. That is what I want my wife and children to feel from me. More magic in the every day, less routine and wheel-spinning. Less fretting about getting ahead. I need to let myself embrace the refining fire that I expect 2014 to be and be sparkly in the end.

I am also going to actively Seek Joy. I am going to look at each situation and look for the joy in it and try to make sure I understand how to live into that space rather than be carried away by the rest of it.

Alright, 2014. Here’s to a return of Sparkle and Living into Joy.