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Feb. 17th, 2023 08:33 amI feel like I am working harder than I have in my whole life AND have less to show for it tangibly than ever. But that's okay. I think I've hit the level in my career where it's more strategy and thought-work while my team is delivering on the tangibles, I'm just a shepherd who gets them through gates and solves the bigger, escalated problems. Which tires my brain out. And keeps me in meetings non-stop.
But I'm overall happy to be challenged. I mean, I am TIRED this week. I've gone to bed each night either on time or early and dropped into DEEP sleeps this week. My anxious day not-with-standing, things are going pretty well.
I was in back to back meetings yesterday from 8:30 to 1:30 (straight through lunch) and then left for the day to go to the Local Heroes celebration. We were on time and walking through the arches onto the front quad of Hollins (the boys' school is right across the street from our beloved alma mater and they get use of the facilities) to the Talmadge Recital Hall where the ceremony was taking place, I was floored with gratitude. As I'm processing past trauma, one of the things that just GETS me every time is how Nicole and I show up. Whenever we are able (more her than me sometimes due to work), we show up. We're on time. We're totally there. Our kids never have to worry. If we say we're going to be there to support them, we are THERE. I told Nicole as much while we were walking. I was never, ever sure. And more often than not, my parents (mom) didn't show up. I was in a play in 8th grade - there was a small festival where parents were invited to come and circulate through our rooms and see what we were learning. I invited my mom. She said she was coming. I knew she wasn't. But still, throughout the whole day I held onto this hope/fantasy that she was coming just so that I could be angry about it later. Ah, preteens. But still. I remember that day so fully that showing up to Local Heroes yesterday - where we were some of the only parents in the audience - made me grateful AND emotional.
Therapy is hard work, yo.
But parenting my kids and feeling like I'm doing a good job - I mean, SO much better than what support I felt like I had - is both hard and beautiful.
And these kids, y'all. Watching Brenner give Katie an award for her work with Inclusion and Diversity yesterday. Speaking in front of a crowded auditorium. I was verklempt. But also - all the other awards given, a few to civic leaders I knew, and a few I hope to get to know more. The award was founded by the first director of the school in the honor and spirit of Martin Luther King Jr. and I found out the first director and co-leader of the award all those years ago were people I've had the privilege of knowing through Points of Diversity, too. It all felt so full circle and beautiful yesterday.
We measured the kids last night, too. Both officially taller than us. I've also lost another half an inch. Weird. Maybe I should have that checked. We measured each other after measuring the kids because neither of us could believe how tall and gorgeous they are. I'm 5" 5 1/2' and Nicole 5" 5'. The kids are both solidly 5"6'.
As if in response, the Universe had Brenner's new bed delivered by surprise this morning at 6:30 AM. We heard a large truck and noise and looked out the window this morning in the murky dark rain and saw UPS carrying four IMPOSSIBLY large boxes to our porch. My only though was we are too old for this shit. Putting together a full-size loft bed sounds terrible.
The friend we have that owns a painting business came last night to get the lay of the land and measure/estimate paint and cost. We're taking the kids tonight after school to pick paint colors for their room. We're starting with the guest room/den, then the hallway, then their room. In the next month, they might have a bedroom put together with beds that fit their long, lean, healthy bodies.
The house projects for this year are slimmed down because of budget, but we're finally painting the hallway and rooms I've listed. We're having the electrician we know come out and replace some lights (my office, the hallway 'boob lights', and the fan in our dressing room) plus he'll install the ceiling fans on our porch and hopefully add electric next to the washer and dryer so we can move the chest freezer from what will be the den/guest room to the laundry area. AND I'm going to hang curtains and decorate our porch a little. That's it. With the loss of the giant tree out front, the heat on our porch makes the space infernally hot. By summer, I'd like to have some shade out there + the ceiling fans to make it a bearable place to hang out. The back yard is very shady, but with Nicole's lush garden each year and the fact that half the backyard doesn't get much sunlight and tends to stay damp after rain, the mosquitoes back there are horrible. One day - screened porch back there. Or maybe not. We may not live here much longer after the kids go to college. The plan is to buy the lake or beach house around then ... who knows.
All of this started with feeling so much joy and gratitude this morning for my family. I'm so lucky to be co-parenting these strong boys that are empathetic, funny, are willing to talk about ethical implications of chatbots and AI (my recent obsession - I can't read enough about it), and are just great humans. I'm grateful for their school, a safe place raising the change-makers of tomorrow. And I'm grateful to Nicole for holding the world together this week as I kind of fell apart under my workload and was just exhausted in the evenings WHILE handling her mom.
We think a cash offer was put down on the house this week, probably that young couple from Albany that asked about when the leases expire. So now we know we will have to make arrangements for Karen, but she has a great lead on a house AND learned from section 8 that her benefits went up in response to the housing price increases in the area, so she can afford to pay a little more in rent - which is good. Her options might be better than we thought. But still, moving is stressful and we'll be expected to help. I wonder if we can just offer to pay for movers? That would be worth it.
But I'm overall happy to be challenged. I mean, I am TIRED this week. I've gone to bed each night either on time or early and dropped into DEEP sleeps this week. My anxious day not-with-standing, things are going pretty well.
I was in back to back meetings yesterday from 8:30 to 1:30 (straight through lunch) and then left for the day to go to the Local Heroes celebration. We were on time and walking through the arches onto the front quad of Hollins (the boys' school is right across the street from our beloved alma mater and they get use of the facilities) to the Talmadge Recital Hall where the ceremony was taking place, I was floored with gratitude. As I'm processing past trauma, one of the things that just GETS me every time is how Nicole and I show up. Whenever we are able (more her than me sometimes due to work), we show up. We're on time. We're totally there. Our kids never have to worry. If we say we're going to be there to support them, we are THERE. I told Nicole as much while we were walking. I was never, ever sure. And more often than not, my parents (mom) didn't show up. I was in a play in 8th grade - there was a small festival where parents were invited to come and circulate through our rooms and see what we were learning. I invited my mom. She said she was coming. I knew she wasn't. But still, throughout the whole day I held onto this hope/fantasy that she was coming just so that I could be angry about it later. Ah, preteens. But still. I remember that day so fully that showing up to Local Heroes yesterday - where we were some of the only parents in the audience - made me grateful AND emotional.
Therapy is hard work, yo.
But parenting my kids and feeling like I'm doing a good job - I mean, SO much better than what support I felt like I had - is both hard and beautiful.
And these kids, y'all. Watching Brenner give Katie an award for her work with Inclusion and Diversity yesterday. Speaking in front of a crowded auditorium. I was verklempt. But also - all the other awards given, a few to civic leaders I knew, and a few I hope to get to know more. The award was founded by the first director of the school in the honor and spirit of Martin Luther King Jr. and I found out the first director and co-leader of the award all those years ago were people I've had the privilege of knowing through Points of Diversity, too. It all felt so full circle and beautiful yesterday.
We measured the kids last night, too. Both officially taller than us. I've also lost another half an inch. Weird. Maybe I should have that checked. We measured each other after measuring the kids because neither of us could believe how tall and gorgeous they are. I'm 5" 5 1/2' and Nicole 5" 5'. The kids are both solidly 5"6'.
As if in response, the Universe had Brenner's new bed delivered by surprise this morning at 6:30 AM. We heard a large truck and noise and looked out the window this morning in the murky dark rain and saw UPS carrying four IMPOSSIBLY large boxes to our porch. My only though was we are too old for this shit. Putting together a full-size loft bed sounds terrible.
The friend we have that owns a painting business came last night to get the lay of the land and measure/estimate paint and cost. We're taking the kids tonight after school to pick paint colors for their room. We're starting with the guest room/den, then the hallway, then their room. In the next month, they might have a bedroom put together with beds that fit their long, lean, healthy bodies.
The house projects for this year are slimmed down because of budget, but we're finally painting the hallway and rooms I've listed. We're having the electrician we know come out and replace some lights (my office, the hallway 'boob lights', and the fan in our dressing room) plus he'll install the ceiling fans on our porch and hopefully add electric next to the washer and dryer so we can move the chest freezer from what will be the den/guest room to the laundry area. AND I'm going to hang curtains and decorate our porch a little. That's it. With the loss of the giant tree out front, the heat on our porch makes the space infernally hot. By summer, I'd like to have some shade out there + the ceiling fans to make it a bearable place to hang out. The back yard is very shady, but with Nicole's lush garden each year and the fact that half the backyard doesn't get much sunlight and tends to stay damp after rain, the mosquitoes back there are horrible. One day - screened porch back there. Or maybe not. We may not live here much longer after the kids go to college. The plan is to buy the lake or beach house around then ... who knows.
All of this started with feeling so much joy and gratitude this morning for my family. I'm so lucky to be co-parenting these strong boys that are empathetic, funny, are willing to talk about ethical implications of chatbots and AI (my recent obsession - I can't read enough about it), and are just great humans. I'm grateful for their school, a safe place raising the change-makers of tomorrow. And I'm grateful to Nicole for holding the world together this week as I kind of fell apart under my workload and was just exhausted in the evenings WHILE handling her mom.
We think a cash offer was put down on the house this week, probably that young couple from Albany that asked about when the leases expire. So now we know we will have to make arrangements for Karen, but she has a great lead on a house AND learned from section 8 that her benefits went up in response to the housing price increases in the area, so she can afford to pay a little more in rent - which is good. Her options might be better than we thought. But still, moving is stressful and we'll be expected to help. I wonder if we can just offer to pay for movers? That would be worth it.
