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Jan. 2nd, 2013 11:12 amI called in sick today. I feel pretty terrible about starting 2013 with a sick day, but it can't be helped. I woke up at 5:20 and by 6AM, I just couldn't imagine surviving even a short day in the office. Sigh. Back at it tomorrow, though.
I am starting to reach that point in any long illness where the despair of uselessness is setting in. Nicole is short on patience after being a saint for nearly a week. She hasn't slept in, slept through the night, or slept in our bed (last night was the first night in a week) since I got my flu diagnosis. She's handled all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, kid-minding, and brought me things I needed when I asked. She's more than due for a nervous breakdown. She actually said she was excited to go back to work today and excited for the kids to go back to the sitter. I don't blame her at all!
~~~
So, let's talk New Year Resolutions. I kind of mentioned this as my intention to Nicole last night because I didn't want her to read about it in my journal, but SHE is my New Year Resolution. Yep. This year is going to be entirely devoted to examining the way I talk to her, react to her, reward her, praise her and love her. I am going to work on several things that I know are my baggage that keep our relationship from being as positive.
Don't get me wrong, our life together is fantastic. I adore her. She adores me. We are a good team and there is no one in the world that I would rather sleep next to and raise our children with.
But I want it to always BE that way. My sister-in-law said something at Thanksgiving that has been haunting me a little. My niece (their youngest) will be flying the nest in two years and she expressed a little dread about being 'just the two of them' and how she doesn't know how to interact with him really without the kids. They have been the 100% focus of their lives (they have three) for the last 25 years. I know they will work it out, of course, but it did lodge a thought in my head about what kind of work it might take to set the groundwork for that NOT to happen. Now, I know that realistically it is bound to happen on some level or another. Kids become such a force of nature in any relationship and demand so much time and coordination (schedules, etc) that it seems inevitable that they kind of take over.
But what if you start this habit of intentional relationship edifiers and put them in place to buoy your relationship on its own, separate level and nurture it as a separate, intentional, sacred space between the two of you? That is where I want to be. Take time each day for some meaningful connection/conversation about each other - which I feel like we do pretty well, but I want to really be intentional this year.
I read an article recently that gave a few tips about making sure your marriage is in it for the long haul. (Source: http://girlsguideto.com/articles/15-ways-to-stay-married-for-15-years) I liked all of the advice and I think she is waaaaaay more eloquent about it than I am going to be - so if you feel so inclined, read the whole thing!
The three that I am going to work on: (Warning, some of this verbiage is lifted directly from her and some I've put into my words for my relationship since I don't have a 'husband')
Be the Mirror: Think of her as the mirror in which I see myself, the things that I say to her will help her create an image of herself and reflect back to me. Show her how proud I am of her. Compliment her frequently. Build her up at every opportunity. Help her create her own positive self image by filling her up with the positive things I love about her as vocally as possible. Never miss the opportunity to praise her and tell her how wonderful she is to this family. This advice is the exact same thing my Marriage Mentor tells me is the KEY to her happy, 35-year long partnership. (By the way, if you don't have a marriage mentor, they are fabulous. I love soaking up her nuggets of wisdom on the long-haul. They've moved across the country due to lay-offs and relocations, survived the long and lingering death of a child together, and navigated murky waters of emotions related to potential infidelity and are still blissfully committed to each other and ridiculously in love. I LOVE it.)
Don't Criticize, EVER: feel like I already do this in many ways. I learned early on the criticizing Nicole for not doing her chores was *stupid* because if it was bothering me that much, I should just DO it. But I am pretty bad at it in other ways. I'd like to say I'm usually reacting, but I can sometimes just come out of nowhere with a critique that she didn't ask for, didn't WANT and totally didn't need. She probably already knows what I'm going to say and it helps NOTHING for me to say it. In, in fact, makes me an asshole.
Laugh If You Can: his one centers on deflecting fights. I need to be better about not rising to the bait when she is raw and emotional. One of the beautiful things about being with a woman is that we are emotionally speaking the same language a lot of the time. It can also be a serious con when you are in the middle of a heated and emotionally charged argument. I need to be better about sensing her state and reining myself in and trying to deflect the potential argument by diffusing her emotional state (by humor, care, passion, distraction) rather than going toe to toe with her, or worse yet - trying to tell her she *shouldn't* feel that way. I need to assume the best, not assume she is attacking me specifically. I need to look for the deeper reason instead of just assuming she is trying to hurt me. But first, I need to take the emotional spark out of the situation before I become the gasoline that makes us spiral into inferno.
Related to this, I need to learn to stop picking at her when we fight. I can be relentless and I've always told myself it was because SHE was relentless. She always has to explain over and over and over where she is coming from. I need to understand that usually what she is trying to say is not WHY I shouldn't feel a certain way but to understand that she is trying to tell me her intention was not to end up in a fully-involved, three-alarm fire. One of the things I am going to ask her to work on this year is to try to stop this explaining because it is gasoline to my emotional spark, but my part in this is going to be to stop throwing my own incendiary self onto her spark when we get there. In every escalation, there is that one critical moment where you choose to smother it or fan it. I am going to be the extinguisher this year.
And then I have one resolution for me that is related to all of this. I am going to work on letting things go. I am going to learn to say "I forgive you" and move past it. I have a hard time accepting apologies because my upbringing showed me that forgiving someone somehow meant they 'won'. In the battle of forgiveness, there are no winners and losers unless you don't forgive. And then you're just losing because you are the only carrying it.
“In fact, not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” Anne Lamotte Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith 1999)
~~~~
I have some small personal goals this year that are the general ones everyone has. I want to do the Couch to 5K program and get back to my fighting weight. Play a ton with the kids, take my wife on dates.
But overall, after struggling to get my feet under me in the role of 'mother' for the first two years of the boys life, I am now going to remember that I am also 'wife' and was in fact Wife before I was Mother and I will be Wife longer than I will be Mother over the course of my life if all goes according to plan and Nicole and I grow very, very old together. It isn't about which relationship is more important, it's about making sure they are both nurtured in the way that they deserve.
I am starting to reach that point in any long illness where the despair of uselessness is setting in. Nicole is short on patience after being a saint for nearly a week. She hasn't slept in, slept through the night, or slept in our bed (last night was the first night in a week) since I got my flu diagnosis. She's handled all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, kid-minding, and brought me things I needed when I asked. She's more than due for a nervous breakdown. She actually said she was excited to go back to work today and excited for the kids to go back to the sitter. I don't blame her at all!
~~~
So, let's talk New Year Resolutions. I kind of mentioned this as my intention to Nicole last night because I didn't want her to read about it in my journal, but SHE is my New Year Resolution. Yep. This year is going to be entirely devoted to examining the way I talk to her, react to her, reward her, praise her and love her. I am going to work on several things that I know are my baggage that keep our relationship from being as positive.
Don't get me wrong, our life together is fantastic. I adore her. She adores me. We are a good team and there is no one in the world that I would rather sleep next to and raise our children with.
But I want it to always BE that way. My sister-in-law said something at Thanksgiving that has been haunting me a little. My niece (their youngest) will be flying the nest in two years and she expressed a little dread about being 'just the two of them' and how she doesn't know how to interact with him really without the kids. They have been the 100% focus of their lives (they have three) for the last 25 years. I know they will work it out, of course, but it did lodge a thought in my head about what kind of work it might take to set the groundwork for that NOT to happen. Now, I know that realistically it is bound to happen on some level or another. Kids become such a force of nature in any relationship and demand so much time and coordination (schedules, etc) that it seems inevitable that they kind of take over.
But what if you start this habit of intentional relationship edifiers and put them in place to buoy your relationship on its own, separate level and nurture it as a separate, intentional, sacred space between the two of you? That is where I want to be. Take time each day for some meaningful connection/conversation about each other - which I feel like we do pretty well, but I want to really be intentional this year.
I read an article recently that gave a few tips about making sure your marriage is in it for the long haul. (Source: http://girlsguideto.com/articles/15-ways-to-stay-married-for-15-years) I liked all of the advice and I think she is waaaaaay more eloquent about it than I am going to be - so if you feel so inclined, read the whole thing!
The three that I am going to work on: (Warning, some of this verbiage is lifted directly from her and some I've put into my words for my relationship since I don't have a 'husband')
Be the Mirror: Think of her as the mirror in which I see myself, the things that I say to her will help her create an image of herself and reflect back to me. Show her how proud I am of her. Compliment her frequently. Build her up at every opportunity. Help her create her own positive self image by filling her up with the positive things I love about her as vocally as possible. Never miss the opportunity to praise her and tell her how wonderful she is to this family. This advice is the exact same thing my Marriage Mentor tells me is the KEY to her happy, 35-year long partnership. (By the way, if you don't have a marriage mentor, they are fabulous. I love soaking up her nuggets of wisdom on the long-haul. They've moved across the country due to lay-offs and relocations, survived the long and lingering death of a child together, and navigated murky waters of emotions related to potential infidelity and are still blissfully committed to each other and ridiculously in love. I LOVE it.)
Don't Criticize, EVER: feel like I already do this in many ways. I learned early on the criticizing Nicole for not doing her chores was *stupid* because if it was bothering me that much, I should just DO it. But I am pretty bad at it in other ways. I'd like to say I'm usually reacting, but I can sometimes just come out of nowhere with a critique that she didn't ask for, didn't WANT and totally didn't need. She probably already knows what I'm going to say and it helps NOTHING for me to say it. In, in fact, makes me an asshole.
Laugh If You Can: his one centers on deflecting fights. I need to be better about not rising to the bait when she is raw and emotional. One of the beautiful things about being with a woman is that we are emotionally speaking the same language a lot of the time. It can also be a serious con when you are in the middle of a heated and emotionally charged argument. I need to be better about sensing her state and reining myself in and trying to deflect the potential argument by diffusing her emotional state (by humor, care, passion, distraction) rather than going toe to toe with her, or worse yet - trying to tell her she *shouldn't* feel that way. I need to assume the best, not assume she is attacking me specifically. I need to look for the deeper reason instead of just assuming she is trying to hurt me. But first, I need to take the emotional spark out of the situation before I become the gasoline that makes us spiral into inferno.
Related to this, I need to learn to stop picking at her when we fight. I can be relentless and I've always told myself it was because SHE was relentless. She always has to explain over and over and over where she is coming from. I need to understand that usually what she is trying to say is not WHY I shouldn't feel a certain way but to understand that she is trying to tell me her intention was not to end up in a fully-involved, three-alarm fire. One of the things I am going to ask her to work on this year is to try to stop this explaining because it is gasoline to my emotional spark, but my part in this is going to be to stop throwing my own incendiary self onto her spark when we get there. In every escalation, there is that one critical moment where you choose to smother it or fan it. I am going to be the extinguisher this year.
And then I have one resolution for me that is related to all of this. I am going to work on letting things go. I am going to learn to say "I forgive you" and move past it. I have a hard time accepting apologies because my upbringing showed me that forgiving someone somehow meant they 'won'. In the battle of forgiveness, there are no winners and losers unless you don't forgive. And then you're just losing because you are the only carrying it.
“In fact, not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” Anne Lamotte Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith 1999)
~~~~
I have some small personal goals this year that are the general ones everyone has. I want to do the Couch to 5K program and get back to my fighting weight. Play a ton with the kids, take my wife on dates.
But overall, after struggling to get my feet under me in the role of 'mother' for the first two years of the boys life, I am now going to remember that I am also 'wife' and was in fact Wife before I was Mother and I will be Wife longer than I will be Mother over the course of my life if all goes according to plan and Nicole and I grow very, very old together. It isn't about which relationship is more important, it's about making sure they are both nurtured in the way that they deserve.
